Sunday, July 03, 2005

to that nygh judoka that i played with (for 3rd placing):
i'm sorry for not showing any sportsmanship. and i admit that i wasn't serious when i was playing with you. but, i'm REALLY sorry. hope to play with you again for team. trust me, it will be a good bout.

and my apology also to all judokas who watched That bout. respect your opponent. and please do to drop me a tag.

national schools individual. a great disappointment.
not only to myself..
my school teachers..
fellow team mates..
all my coaches..
(even mr tang)
and esp. mr tan..

sigh. i'm sorry.

but why issit such a big issue?
i know i should have respect my opponent. but..
like so many people start talking about it. so exaggerated.
and there's this ex-national player (ex-nygh/hci judooka) start bitching to my senior about me. then my senior have to apologise on my behalf..
"i'm sorry for the unexpected attitude my junior have shown."
ohh thanks. then later she said that she was just pissed off at that point. everything is okay now.

actually a couple of coaches and seniors talk to me ytd. they are really out there for me. but i really feel like shit at that point. like melvynna, mike, mr tang, mr low, weilon, etc.
things like..

"it's only when you lose, you will learn right? it took me four years before i got my first gold medal."
"don't give up so easily. physical strenght may be important, but mental strenght is more important."
"you're not a quitter! good judoka never quits. just play your game, show them who's the boss."

mr tang is actually quite a nice coach.
why so many people dislike him?
though i lost to his player, he consoled me and said many inspiring + motivational stuff to me.
and he offered to buy me lunch (!)
so nice right..

but some were rather infuriated with me, and didn't want to talk to me.
then i guess mr tan is really angry with me this time, or rather disappointed.
and i know i've put him in a very difficult position.
i apologised to him.. but he said..
"how many 'sorrys' have you said to me? how many times have you thanked me?"
i was speechless.. he have done far too many things for me. corrected me so many times.
but for now.. i don't really care if i'm going for any overseas competiton, i just want mr tan to forgive me. sigh
but i can't believe i'm ruining my future this way.
an act on impulse.

[random thoughts..]
enjoy judo or achievements.
choose.
rjc or hci?


back to the competition..
my first two matches were pretty easy for me, two ippons? so i guess i gets complacent.. but i'm not proud! :( maybe i wanted that gold medal so badly that i was pressurizing myself so much in my semi-finals. but imagine the whole crowd were like watching your bout, so many people shouting. my coaches. judokas. even school teachers. i can't perform.
and i lost by what? golden score? and it's a koka btw.. not thrown, but shido. at that point, third placing to me is nothing. so for the next bout, i didn't like "play" with my opponent properly. and i let her throw. not excuse. seriously. everybody could see. pretty obvious. obviously all these coaches 'lectured' me right. duhh. all along, (from sec1-4) getting into finals or getting a medal in a competition is common to me. it's like the basic requirement.
so.. this year's national schools will be my first competion that i'm leaving w/o a medal.
first.
it's okay. there's always the first.
xuanyi don't always win.
c'mon, put yourself together
gear up for the team event!
defend the B'division champion title!
this time, i'll show everybody great sportsmanship and i'm a good judoka-i don't quit.

i really learn a lot through this competiton.
i felt so stupid. like i need some non-christians to remind me of stuff like "sportsmanship"?
i felt like i hasn't been a good testimony for God. when i show them them my lousy attitude and not respecting my opponent..

lastly, my apology to all my friends out there who tried to get me today. sorry for all the missed calls, sms-es that i didn't reply. i'm okay, not to worry.

God, please take away my pride. let me be so humble before you. all glory goes to you alone. and let me be a good testimony for you. amen.

even the best fall down sometimes